Two August 9's in Singapore

So then I have had two August 9 in Singapore. (For those who are not familiar, August 9 is Singapore's Independence Day)


Last August 9, there was high hope that I would have a chance to get back to a normal life of a Hoa "shining", of  a "Bunny that jumps around", of a "modern lecturer" that "gives some boring and even misleading international Political economy in the day time and brings students to go clubbing in the night time"...There was such high hope that I did not even need to watch the fireworks but still had the image of  their twinkling colors of star-and-moon shape.The surgery would take away all of the stubborn tumors and chemotherapy would take care of the rest to ensure those cancer cells would never ever be able to rise up again. 


But, as I said. I did not even watch the fireworks. It's all in my head.


So then of course, the life that we draw is often not the life that we actually experience. 


Then the second August 9 came yesterday. Things have gone up and down so much in the past year. The surgery could not take out everything. The radiation and chemo did not work. The non-chemo drug Avastin did work, but eventually due to a complicated medical reason, we could not continue it.


The timeline is 6 months. People seem to be in denial. I myself dont really know how to handle it. Most of the time I am in so much pain, other time I am drugged up so I am still not able to finish my translation work. 


But I could see the fireworks from my hospital window/!! It was not much, and it lasted just about 3 minutes. It means something. The doctors have found a way to reduce the pain. I will have some nerves blocked and I might be paralyzed because of that. But who cares! As long as I dont have to cry in pain everyday. I look ugly when I cry.


So just like the fireworks, we know that the nerves-blocking will not last for too long, The pain might come back. And in the future there will be more pain, pain that not only makes you cry but also makes you feel like committing a suicide so that you dont have to suffer from it anymore. 


But hey, hey, hey, the point is I did enjoy the beauty of the fireworks. The most important thing is not how long you can enjoy something, it's whether or not you enjoy it. 


And every time a friend reaches out to me, I can see the fireworks in my sky. It's definitely not a Singaporean fireworks. It's the fireworks of love.