Dreams and Reality

I arrived last week at the JHU ward in Tan Tock Seng hospital, Singapore, unfortunately in great pain and with only days left before the insurance ran out. The doctors tried two procedures last week to dull the pain, and though they didn’t appear to work right away, after two days the doctors started to ease me off of the stronger pain medication and it was quickly clear that the pain was far less. Though the doctors determined that I should not be discharged from the hospital, they approved me to fly back home to Hanoi today providing that I go straight to a hospital upon arrival. I will be accompanied by a nurse and my aunt directly to Vietnamese-French hospital.


The fabulous not-single-anymore Linh was with me last week, and Ben Zinner has been with me this past weekend. There are also many other visitors, including Dean Bonnie Wilson who shared with me the good news of a fellowship under my name (formerly under Professor Brown’s name). This was a great honor and I would like to send great thanks to Professor Brown and SAIS faculty for this amazing opportunity. My friends in Singapore have visited me very often and gone the extra miles to cheer me up, from simultaneous leg/arm massages to picking up food/drinks for me. David Rosensweig even agreed to a) paint his finger nails at least two different colors, and b) proposed marriage to his roommate and put the ring right on her finger (Ben hummed the tune of “single ladies” for the rest of the night) – just to make me happy. I had this attractive young Indian doctor who came to check on me and asked me “What did you eat today?” – my first instinct was to fire back “What have YOU eaten today?”. He even brought me green tea frappuccino from Starbucks, which energized me to stand for the first time in at least 48 hours and walk around the bed, flanked by three loyal supporters (new Starbucks ad coming soon).

I will be in Hanoi from now on and I would love to see you if you happen to be there – you know there’s nothing that makes me happier than receiving visitors. You may have to fetch ice water or give me foot massages. If you’re lucky, I may even treat you with one of my infamous waking dreams / hallucinations – the combined effect of the pain medication, sleeping medication, and sheer exhaustion. Here are some of the highlights of the past two days, which have been recorded by Ben for your reading pleasure:

• [while riding in wheelchair down the hallway] I wanna fly, like that woman just flew right through us. Did you see her? Ben, did you see her? She was riding a little bike. Ben did you see her? A small lady on a small bike.

• [crying] Someone was here to see me but I told them to go away. Why? I told them to go away. Oh no, I told them to go away.

• It’s dripping. The milk is spilling! I want a tiny baguette. I want a tiny baguette.

• Oh no, a man fell out of the window! A man fell out of the window!

• No, I don’t want to climb up there. No, my feet hurt, I don’t want to climb up there.

• I want that bottle, give me the bottle. You can’t steal my juice! Why do you steal my juice? Help meeeee! [mumbling in Vietnamese]… Give me back my juice, it’s not yours! I paid for it. Go buy another one. They stole my juice! [starting to cry] They stole my juice.

• Are you going to drive me to the airport? Can you hear me? Hello? Are you there?

• Right? It was yesterday, right? She was here yesterday, and she told all of us we have to take turns looking after someone else. And I was there, but I wasn’t sick. We should all volunteer to help other people.

• …And Andrei came. But he looked so bad. His clothes were torn. And he didn’t have any luggage. We were in the hospital, we were in my room. So he washed himself, and he wore my dad’s clothes. Then the next morning he came to the airport and found out they lost his ticket.

• No, Ai Ghee’s house isn’t safe. You should move.

• The kimchi has flies in it. Eeew, the bowl of kimchi is full of flies.

• Did you see that man? Hah hah hah. He had a big black ball on his ear


Where did these stupid lines come from? I don’t know. All I know is that reality - however it is, good or bad, happy or sad - is just better than any hallucination. I cherished every moment that I woke up and saw people around me, laughing at my stupid lines when I was in my waking dreams.

Two August 9's in Singapore

So then I have had two August 9 in Singapore. (For those who are not familiar, August 9 is Singapore's Independence Day)


Last August 9, there was high hope that I would have a chance to get back to a normal life of a Hoa "shining", of  a "Bunny that jumps around", of a "modern lecturer" that "gives some boring and even misleading international Political economy in the day time and brings students to go clubbing in the night time"...There was such high hope that I did not even need to watch the fireworks but still had the image of  their twinkling colors of star-and-moon shape.The surgery would take away all of the stubborn tumors and chemotherapy would take care of the rest to ensure those cancer cells would never ever be able to rise up again. 


But, as I said. I did not even watch the fireworks. It's all in my head.


So then of course, the life that we draw is often not the life that we actually experience. 


Then the second August 9 came yesterday. Things have gone up and down so much in the past year. The surgery could not take out everything. The radiation and chemo did not work. The non-chemo drug Avastin did work, but eventually due to a complicated medical reason, we could not continue it.


The timeline is 6 months. People seem to be in denial. I myself dont really know how to handle it. Most of the time I am in so much pain, other time I am drugged up so I am still not able to finish my translation work. 


But I could see the fireworks from my hospital window/!! It was not much, and it lasted just about 3 minutes. It means something. The doctors have found a way to reduce the pain. I will have some nerves blocked and I might be paralyzed because of that. But who cares! As long as I dont have to cry in pain everyday. I look ugly when I cry.


So just like the fireworks, we know that the nerves-blocking will not last for too long, The pain might come back. And in the future there will be more pain, pain that not only makes you cry but also makes you feel like committing a suicide so that you dont have to suffer from it anymore. 


But hey, hey, hey, the point is I did enjoy the beauty of the fireworks. The most important thing is not how long you can enjoy something, it's whether or not you enjoy it. 


And every time a friend reaches out to me, I can see the fireworks in my sky. It's definitely not a Singaporean fireworks. It's the fireworks of love.